Me and Mary Jane A pot newbie's clumsy foray into the world of medical marijuana
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    July 5th, 2012Mary JaneMedical Marijuana Consumption

    So now I’m home. With my pot. Staring at it. Walking in circles around it. Picking it up and examining it. Poking it. Prodding it. But not consuming it.

    What can I say: I’m nervous! Not only have I avoided this moment for 20 years, but there’s a lot riding on it. What if the minced-pot-laced-mac-and-cheese miracle cure was a fluke? What if I get too high and start running naked down the street? And most importantly, what if, after my years of drug abstinence, I die of a cannabis chip overdose and forevermore my parents have to tell Sweet Valley High Drug Overdose people that their daughter O.D.’d? (Did you ever read that Sweet Valley High book where Regina Morrow, the good girl who never got into any trouble, was pressured into trying cocaine at a high school party and DIED? You may think that my drug avoidance was because of street smarts or health concerns, but no, it’s because as an avid 12-year-old fan of Sweet Valley High series, I learned my lesson early that good girls finish last…when they snort cocaine.)

    At this point you might be recalling that you heard that medical marijuana can be good for anxiety. You also may be thinking, if this chick doesn’t get high soon I’m going to shove some Xanax down her throat and shove a joint in her mouth. Understandable.

    Okay, so I finished dinner (I’m certainly not going to get high on an empty stomach) and set the drugs out on my coffee table.  I decided to start with the chocolate chips rather than the mint chips because…my god, do you think I’m going to try drugs for the first time while also entering into the strange world of mint-flavored, unnaturally-light-green, weird candy chips? C’mon. Okay, so how Pot Browniemany should I have? These chips are an unusual size—smaller than a Hershey’s Kiss but bigger than your average chocolate chip cookie chip. The only food-pot I’m familiar with are the ubiquitous “special brownies,” so I figured that a normal pot-head would eat the number of chips equivalent to the size of a brownie. Being a newbie, I go for about a third of that size, so 5 chips.

    At first bite, they tasted good! Just like a regular chocolate chip. But as I continued chewing, a slightly yucky natural-but-not-really-natural herb taste started to emerge. Not terrible, but not good. I’m sure to veteran druggies the taste is delicious because it foreshadows the high to come, kind of like how beer tastes delicious to me after years of getting wasted, despite the fact that it made Goody Two Shoesme want to barf the first time I tried it (and yes, even though I don’t do drugs, I spent my college and post-college years in a drunken stupor (but of course I got all my studying done and always showed up for work on time…and I didn’t party in high school…this is goody-goody me we’re talking about, after all)). (Random aside: That last sentence just reminded me of how my adorable college roommate from El Salvadore used to call people “goody tissues” when she meant “goodie two shoes.” We never corrected her. It was more fun to snicker behind her back.)

    Time to sit back and wait for the drugs to take effect…

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