Me and Mary Jane A pot newbie's clumsy foray into the world of medical marijuana
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    July 9th, 2012Mary JaneMedical Marijuana Consumption

    Well, the first thing I want to say is that I don’t know why they call it getting high. “High” is certainly not the feeling I had. “Low” would be a better description, but that doesn’t quite cover it either. I would say it was like walking through a vat of molasses, but that would imply that I was walking, rather than slouching on my couch looking at the ceiling.

    I also didn’t feel giggly in any way. I had images in my head of hippie dudes laughing at every little thing while they watched SpongeBob SquarePants and elbowing each other when phrases like “Bikini Bottom” were mentioned. But if not giggly, maybe musical? Don’t potheads play the guitar? Or at the very least, I thought I’d be contemplative. Remember Slater’s theory in Dazed and Confused about George Washington being a stoner? (Another random aside: Despite my drugless life, Dazed and Confused has always been my favorite movie (well, okay, it was finally knocked off the top spot by The Notebook. I mean, Jason London just can’t compare to Ryan Gosling as a leading man.) I’ve seen it like a 100 times. Maybe it was foreshadowing my marijuana binge in adulthood?)  But no, I was not feeling giggly, musical, or contemplative. I was slouching on the couch, staring at the ceiling, barely hearing the TV in the background, and thinking about…nothing.

    Had I not been thinking about nothing, it would have occurred to me that I was feeling exactly the way they were trying to portray potheads in one of the 1990’s anti-drug public service announcements. This PSA was genius, and with the help of my childhood shock over the death of Regina Morrow, it was the final straw on my life of non-drugs. The PSA showed two guys in their mid- to late-20’s sitting on the couch getting high and talking about how drugs aren’t dangerous because “nothing’s happened to me.” At first, you thought they seemed pretty cool. But then you hear a nagging mom-sounding voice from above (it is now obvious they are in their parents’ basement) saying something along the lines of, “Jimmy, did you look for a job today?” The two 20-somethings scramble to hide the drugs while the the announcer comes on and says, “If you smoke pot, nothing will happen to you, too.”

    Genius! Whoever wrote that PSA should get an Emmy. I didn’t want to do nothing with my life! I was a highly-motivated tween with visions of a future of fame and fortune. The idea of living with my parents in my 20’s without a job (I was still young enough at the time where a job seemed like a cool thing to have) made me never want to smoke pot. And frankly, my future interactions with stoners kind of reminded me of the two dudes from the PSA, so I believed the propaganda more and more. (Strangely though, the “This Is Your Brain On Drugs” PSA had no effect on me whatsoever. Maybe I was too young at the time, or maybe it was just the fact that even at that age I knew that my brain wasn’t an egg and that drugs weren’t frying pans. Go figure.)

    Okay, so back to my first cannabis chip eating experience. I didn’t sink it to the molasses right away. At first, I just sat there trying to watch TV while ignoring my (1) headache, (2) stomach ache, and (3) over-anticipation about what exciting things would be happening in my body at any minute. But as the minutes ticked by, nothing really happened. So, after about 20 minutes, I tentatively popped another chocolate chip. Then maybe one or two more. I dunno. At some point the molasses took over and I entered zombie world.

    And then I fell asleep. Wow, drugs are COOL!