Me and Mary Jane A pot newbie's clumsy foray into the world of medical marijuana
  • In my butt?

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    October 28th, 2009Mary JaneMedical Marijuana Clinic

    Since I had a half hour I was able to read every word of the legal disclaimers on the wall (I can recite them if you’d like).  I also did some final run-throughs of what I would say to my pot doc.  I need to make sure to use the word cannabis.  I had learned on the internet that was the correct terminology. Cannabis, cannabis, cannabis.

    clock2Gradually people started to trickle in.  The first was a hippie looking girl in her mid 20’s.  Her appointment was at 10:10, 10 minutes after mine.  Hmm, that’s weird.  The next was a man in his early 30’s: business casual, but not too casual, like myself.  His appointment was at 10:20.  Finally, an older woman who had a distinct air of strength, pain, and cancer.  My heart went out to her.  Her appointment was at 10:30.  I was surprised about the quick 10 minute turn around for the pot doc and relieved I had taken the extra steps to organize and sticky tab my medical records.  He was clearly busy. 

    When I was finally face to face with my pot doc, I realized he was not Captain Stubing at all.  Perhaps Stubing after a bout of ocean sickness, but much more gruff than my original observation.  As he looked through my medical records (I use the word “looked” loosely because he clearly thought it was an animated flip book) he gave me some papers to review.  The first outlined the four ways to ingest cannabis:

    1. Smoke (clearly)
    2. Eat (been there, done that)
    3. Vaporize (whoa! sounds fancy)
    4. Suppository (what!! in your butt? oh dear!)

    Then next paper told me that I could still be fired for cannabis use.  This was more of a tactic to get me riled up about 519px-Donatello_david_plaster_replica_back_torso_1000px_widehow unfair the current marijuana laws are.  Unfortunately I was still riled up about sticking cannabis in my butt. Then the pot doc’s cell phone rang and, to my astonishment, he took the call! He excused himself, walked out to the parking lot (where I had just seen him 30 minutes earlier), and had a laughy-chatty convo while I sat in his office. WTF?? My 10 minute clock was ticking!

    Anyway, back to my literature.  Next was an explanation of what a vaporizer was and why it was the best (more on that in later posts).  The last piece of paper told me that I was now able to grow cannabis, but I could only grow 24 plants at a time.  The pot doc came back in and made a point to discuss this one with me. He was very adamant about this: If I had a 25th plant and the cops raided my place, they would charge me with intent to distribute.  Why is he telling me this?  First of all why would I grow this stuff when I could just buy it at the store?  Second of all where would I put 24 plants?  (And this is when I thought pot plants were the size of a small basil plant; apparently they’re more like a small tree.)  Third of all, in my butt?!?!

    This was a lot of information, but I still had questions.  How much to I use?  What if I use too much?  His response: “Well Katie, if you take too much pot you just have to ride it out, just ride it out.  Understand?”  No, I don’t understand.  Ride it out?  Ride it to where?  To the hospital?  To the drive through?  And, I didn’t think we were allowed to use the word pot.  Isn’t it called cannabis? Unfortunately at that point it was 10:10 and my appointment was done.

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