Me and Mary Jane A pot newbie's clumsy foray into the world of medical marijuana
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    July 10th, 2012Mary JaneMedical Marijuana Consumption

    And so my drug life began. And let me tell you, I was quite the partyer. Here’s an approximate recap of the first week of my getting high:

    Day 1:  Headache. Stomach ache. Sit on couch. Consume marijuana-laced chocolate chips. Feel a little better. Swim through molasses. Fall asleep.

    Day 3:  Headache. Stomach ache. Sit on couch. Switch to mint chips to shake things up a bit. Feel a little better. Swim through molasses. Fall asleep.

    Day 5:  Just a stomach ache today. Sit on couch. Consume cannabis chocolate chips. Feel a little better. Swim through molasses. Fall asleep.

    Day 7:  Headache. Stomach ache. Sit on couch. Mix it up with a combo of chocolate and mint chips. Feel a little better. Swim through molasses. Fall asleep.

    Somehow I didn’t think this was the way it went for other drug users. Or maybe it was? But regardless, although it was nice to have a short window of sickness relief, falling asleep after each medicinal treatment wasn’t ideal. I was a little more comfortable, sure, but I wasn’t conscious for it.

    Another thing stoners and SpongeBob have in common – love of Bubblegum

    But what if it didn’t have to be this way? Does all pot make you (well, me) fall asleep, or is it just the edible kind? And remember that long list of incomprehensible descriptions and various jars of marijuana buds at the dispensary? Maybe there are different strains of pot, and maybe one of them doesn’t cause narcolepsy. To the internet!

    The first thing I learned that there are about a bazillion types of marijuana, most with funny names like White Widow (uh oh, what happened to White Husband?) and Bubblegum (Captain Obvious says it tastes like bubble gum! Hmm, I wonder how that would go with my mint chips?). There’s all kinds of information about where these plants grow, what they look like, and what they taste like. But I still didn’t know how to stop being a Sleepytime Bear after consuming.

    Ah, finally I found the (non-scientific, undocumented) answer! There are two main types of marijuana: Sativa and Indica. Sativa is an upper that keeps you awake, and Indica is a downer that makes you tired. (At least according to Coed Magazine’s “Weedly Column.” Eh, good enough for me). As I’m assuming my chips are chock full of Indica-make-me-pass-out-ganja, I needed to get my hands on some Sativa, stat!

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    July 9th, 2012Mary JaneMedical Marijuana Consumption

    Well, the first thing I want to say is that I don’t know why they call it getting high. “High” is certainly not the feeling I had. “Low” would be a better description, but that doesn’t quite cover it either. I would say it was like walking through a vat of molasses, but that would imply that I was walking, rather than slouching on my couch looking at the ceiling.

    I also didn’t feel giggly in any way. I had images in my head of hippie dudes laughing at every little thing while they watched SpongeBob SquarePants and elbowing each other when phrases like “Bikini Bottom” were mentioned. But if not giggly, maybe musical? Don’t potheads play the guitar? Or at the very least, I thought I’d be contemplative. Remember Slater’s theory in Dazed and Confused about George Washington being a stoner? (Another random aside: Despite my drugless life, Dazed and Confused has always been my favorite movie (well, okay, it was finally knocked off the top spot by The Notebook. I mean, Jason London just can’t compare to Ryan Gosling as a leading man.) I’ve seen it like a 100 times. Maybe it was foreshadowing my marijuana binge in adulthood?)  But no, I was not feeling giggly, musical, or contemplative. I was slouching on the couch, staring at the ceiling, barely hearing the TV in the background, and thinking about…nothing.

    Had I not been thinking about nothing, it would have occurred to me that I was feeling exactly the way they were trying to portray potheads in one of the 1990’s anti-drug public service announcements. This PSA was genius, and with the help of my childhood shock over the death of Regina Morrow, it was the final straw on my life of non-drugs. The PSA showed two guys in their mid- to late-20’s sitting on the couch getting high and talking about how drugs aren’t dangerous because “nothing’s happened to me.” At first, you thought they seemed pretty cool. But then you hear a nagging mom-sounding voice from above (it is now obvious they are in their parents’ basement) saying something along the lines of, “Jimmy, did you look for a job today?” The two 20-somethings scramble to hide the drugs while the the announcer comes on and says, “If you smoke pot, nothing will happen to you, too.”

    Genius! Whoever wrote that PSA should get an Emmy. I didn’t want to do nothing with my life! I was a highly-motivated tween with visions of a future of fame and fortune. The idea of living with my parents in my 20’s without a job (I was still young enough at the time where a job seemed like a cool thing to have) made me never want to smoke pot. And frankly, my future interactions with stoners kind of reminded me of the two dudes from the PSA, so I believed the propaganda more and more. (Strangely though, the “This Is Your Brain On Drugs” PSA had no effect on me whatsoever. Maybe I was too young at the time, or maybe it was just the fact that even at that age I knew that my brain wasn’t an egg and that drugs weren’t frying pans. Go figure.)

    Okay, so back to my first cannabis chip eating experience. I didn’t sink it to the molasses right away. At first, I just sat there trying to watch TV while ignoring my (1) headache, (2) stomach ache, and (3) over-anticipation about what exciting things would be happening in my body at any minute. But as the minutes ticked by, nothing really happened. So, after about 20 minutes, I tentatively popped another chocolate chip. Then maybe one or two more. I dunno. At some point the molasses took over and I entered zombie world.

    And then I fell asleep. Wow, drugs are COOL!

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    July 5th, 2012Mary JaneMedical Marijuana Consumption

    So now I’m home. With my pot. Staring at it. Walking in circles around it. Picking it up and examining it. Poking it. Prodding it. But not consuming it.

    What can I say: I’m nervous! Not only have I avoided this moment for 20 years, but there’s a lot riding on it. What if the minced-pot-laced-mac-and-cheese miracle cure was a fluke? What if I get too high and start running naked down the street? And most importantly, what if, after my years of drug abstinence, I die of a cannabis chip overdose and forevermore my parents have to tell Sweet Valley High Drug Overdose people that their daughter O.D.’d? (Did you ever read that Sweet Valley High book where Regina Morrow, the good girl who never got into any trouble, was pressured into trying cocaine at a high school party and DIED? You may think that my drug avoidance was because of street smarts or health concerns, but no, it’s because as an avid 12-year-old fan of Sweet Valley High series, I learned my lesson early that good girls finish last…when they snort cocaine.)

    At this point you might be recalling that you heard that medical marijuana can be good for anxiety. You also may be thinking, if this chick doesn’t get high soon I’m going to shove some Xanax down her throat and shove a joint in her mouth. Understandable.

    Okay, so I finished dinner (I’m certainly not going to get high on an empty stomach) and set the drugs out on my coffee table.  I decided to start with the chocolate chips rather than the mint chips because…my god, do you think I’m going to try drugs for the first time while also entering into the strange world of mint-flavored, unnaturally-light-green, weird candy chips? C’mon. Okay, so how Pot Browniemany should I have? These chips are an unusual size—smaller than a Hershey’s Kiss but bigger than your average chocolate chip cookie chip. The only food-pot I’m familiar with are the ubiquitous “special brownies,” so I figured that a normal pot-head would eat the number of chips equivalent to the size of a brownie. Being a newbie, I go for about a third of that size, so 5 chips.

    At first bite, they tasted good! Just like a regular chocolate chip. But as I continued chewing, a slightly yucky natural-but-not-really-natural herb taste started to emerge. Not terrible, but not good. I’m sure to veteran druggies the taste is delicious because it foreshadows the high to come, kind of like how beer tastes delicious to me after years of getting wasted, despite the fact that it made Goody Two Shoesme want to barf the first time I tried it (and yes, even though I don’t do drugs, I spent my college and post-college years in a drunken stupor (but of course I got all my studying done and always showed up for work on time…and I didn’t party in high school…this is goody-goody me we’re talking about, after all)). (Random aside: That last sentence just reminded me of how my adorable college roommate from El Salvadore used to call people “goody tissues” when she meant “goodie two shoes.” We never corrected her. It was more fun to snicker behind her back.)

    Time to sit back and wait for the drugs to take effect…

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